My Creepy Neighbor- Part Four

I am sure at this point, many feel like I am a bit obsessed with this neighbor. Not the case. Sure I find him to be an interesting study of humans, but it is mostly to educate the general public about there creepy neighbors. In addition, if anything were too ever happen to me, like a disappearance... then the police would have a good start as to where to look. I am certain that the day this guy snaps I am the second one to get whacked. Hopefully that is not the case, but you gotta keep your guard up. More stories and observations to come on this subject.

My Creepy Neighbor- Part Three

One day while leaving for work and my usual check of the outward premises, I discovered that I missed him. I let down my guard or maybe he was hiding. We had an encounter. It was a cordial one. Pretty bland...he asked me about the weather. To which I replied, yeah it had been raining for a few days. The ditches were clean and the water was moving off the property quite nice. Good work big guy.This small talk continued for the rest of the week. Was this guy reaching out to me? Did he want to become drinking buddies? What was it? I had already drawn the line in the sand... I was not crossing. I will keep it simple and be polite and make small talk, but you can bet your a$$ I am getting in that car and getting away from here. Well naturally, we run into him in the bar that weekend. It was one of those awkward situations where you meet in passing... we spoke.. how you doing? What not? I went down to a table, he stayed up by the bar where he already had territory marked from his flatulence. Later on that evening, after way too many beers/scotchs/shots.... we were going to do one more yagerbomb. Why not? We were at the bar, putting in the order, salivating... when we discovered that we had too many shots. Nobody would pony up and do two, myself included.... so we said, "hey Bill, you wanna do a shot?" I think he nodded, but it was that type of nod that really meant, "Does a bear sh!t in the woods?" A resounding yes. True to form, he slammed it... finished it before we did. As anyone knows, a yagerbomb does not have the most pleasant taste to the palate. I mean it is good, but it has a cough syrup feel inside the mouth. The ole boy Bill never flinched... he just took another drag off his smoke and followed it with stout sip of his draft brew. He left about ten minutes afterward, probably to throw up.

My Creepy Neighbor- Part Two

As I mentioned this guy puzzled me. I would leave for work in the morning and completely avoid making eye contact, as I was sure he would take this as a threat and I would be thrust into some half-assed duel with pistols or swords. This went on for a few months, pretty much every morning. It got to the point were I would check outside to see if he was in his lawn. I got to work late most days. Then one night we discovered him in the bar, Websters. Webster's is close to home and some of our friends own it. It is a good place to hang out, eat and what not. This guy, the neighbor, was sitting at the bar by himself with a pitcher of beer, chain smoking cigarettes..... Just crushing it!! Off his rocker drunk. Well naturally this led to some good banter between myself and neighbors and other friends that lived close by. What was this guy doing here, alone, getting plowed on draft beer. I guess he like the headache that much. This further added to the confusion and the general concern for my safety. Is this guy crazy? What is his story? After some additional research; Come to find out, he is in Websters every afternoon. Sometimes before the bar opens, he is at the door waiting. I mean, I have heard of getting a leg up on happy hour, but this is taking it to a whole new level. In addition to his early arrival and incredible consumption, he is a bar farter. Yes, he just sits in his spot, drinks, smokes and passes gas. Which to the other regulars is like being locked into a chamber plummeting into the bowels of hell. I heard from numerous sources that his flatulence smells atrocious. The odor resonates the stench involved with dead animals or the car ride with a Carnival worker. This was amusing to me and to many others. Unfortunately I got caught in the middle of some of his fire one night. I just walked up to the bar to grab another round for myself and some friends. All of a sudden, out of nowhere I was hit with a fog. This thing could have gagged a maggot. This thing was like a nuclear bomb going off.... you had the explosion and then the fallout, which was more than enough to wipe a village clean off the face of the earth. I locked up; I froze; I was in a daze; Some type of Mustard gas has just gone off in Webster's and I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to get it out my clothes. I remember thinking, how and the he!! am I going to look this evening walking around with fart smell on me? I already felt like my rights had been violated because of this event. This was awful! From that point on, I got my drinks from the waitress.

My Creepy Neighbor- Part One

I have been living in the same place now for about two years, give or take. There was this six month sabbatical in Jackson, but for the most part, I have kept the same address. Historically, this has been rare for me as I have moved around like a gypsy looking for the score for the past several years. Anyway, I moved into this house two years, great neighborhood; friends all down the street. I thought this will be great, I hope the rest of the neighborhood can handle it or us. We like to drink and stay up late with loud music and carry on like freshman. One day I discovered that we live next door to a man that carries a scowl on his face. Just has this look like, if you talk to me I will kill you. Come to find out he is retired military, a veteran of Vietnam. Make no mistake, I respect our men and women in Uniform, but this guy had that 1000 yard stare. I guess he was in "the sh!t"?! I had no intention of talking to this cat or ever really getting to know him. I figured that we would have to deal with him one way or the other with some late night that kept him or he would wake up p!ssed around the time Angus was going into his guitar solo. Either way, I figured it was going to be a bad encounter. As it turns out, this guy gets up early. I have no idea why; I have never seen him go to work or anything that would lead me to believe that he was holding down a job. He did things like clean out the ditches after a rain, water the lawn and stare out into the neighbor hood as if he was waiting for the Viet Cong to come out of the bushes. All this, coupled with his outward appearance were red flags to stay the hell away.